The Sandbox Writing Challenge 25 — Defenseless

In this new Sandbox Writing Challenge from Lady Calen, at Impromptu Promptlings we’re looking at vulnerability.

The Question: What makes me feel vulnerable?

If undone is my middle name, then vulnerably is my first name.

I feel like I am beginning to sound like a broken record. My question in response to this Prompt is, what doesn’t make me feel vulnerable?

I know I can’t speak for the youngest me. I have no memory of it. I was told when I was only three years of age, I had my first, albeit minor, surgery. Just a simple tonsillectomy.

Somewhere when I was around seven years old, I have the vague memory of being run over by a neighbor on a bicycle. He didn’t see me, I didn’t see him, and I ended up sprawled on the sidewalk, my nose smashed, and bleeding all over the place. I was graced with a deviated septum. Any further work done to repair that would have to wait until I stopped ‘growing.’

At twelve, I was rushed to emergency with a burst appendix. At fourteen, a result of the previous surgery, I developed peritonitis, and while the doctor did not know what was going on, when I asked him if I would have to have another operation, he said no. You can see why, when I was told I’d be going in for exploratory surgery, I felt betrayed. My own doctor didn’t know!

Finally at sixteen, I had grown as much as I’d ever grow, and was back in the hospital for that ‘fix’ on my crooked schnozz. I got a brandy new nose, and eventually was breathing just fine, not stuffy anymore.

It seemed I was done with that relationship with the medical community. But you can bet it left me feeling very uneasy. The shift over to psychological conditions flew in on the coattails of that period in my life.

While my panic disorder wasn’t diagnosed until I was many decades older, I did have a first panic attack when I was a pre-teen. Those, on some level, turned out to be worse, as they continue to this day to be an unwanted companion. I lived in fear, which flowered into a full blown malady during the time I was in college.

But I already had begun ‘treating’ that fear with drugs. It worked. Of course, it also left me 40 plus years later with a life threatening condition for which I am currently undergoing treatment.

So, I reiterate… what doesn’t make me feel vulnerable?

Mr. Quantum points out, however, regardless of the overwhelming sense of paralysis, when in the midst of an episode, I actually do push through, after picking myself up off the floor, from the heap I was reduced to, and past my fears, and get on with my life.

Recently I came across an idea which I had heard about several decades ago. It is called Pre-birth planning. It made sense to me then, and still does, perhaps more so. I have never thought, oh why me? when going through any of this stuff. My cry, instead, was simply “make it stop.” Thus, while the earlier situations were not of my own doing, the place I find myself in now, was.

Without hesitation I can say that the part of life I trust least is associated with the allopathic medical community. This is why I fought for the past year, at least, having this treatment. It was also why I refused it in 2008 when I was diagnosed. If treatment is successful, it won’t take away the damage I did back in the days of SDnR. But I sense I will keep on feeling vulnerable, with a brash irreverence for that which doesn’t really help, but instead simply covers up the symptoms.

Signed,

Vulnerably Undone

Advertisements

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. spiritualdragonfly
    Feb 03, 2016 @ 16:58:38

    Hey Vulnerably Undone….You Rock 👊👊👊👊 (those are fist pumps!!)

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  2. calensariel
    Feb 03, 2016 @ 17:40:59

    I wonder what your name would be if we did it in Elvish… 😀 Having a medical condition where you don’t really know from one minute to the next what you’re going to feel like, what your body is going to do, etc., seems like it would be one of the most vulnerable feelings in the world. You are one brave cookie there, girlfriend! {{{Fim}}}

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • Fimnora Westcaw
      Feb 05, 2016 @ 22:19:13

      Oh! do you have a name translator for Elvish? That would be SO cool! Let’s do it. 🙂

      You’re right, not knowing what is happening with my system, I’m always feeling off balance. I don’t know about being tough, but I have been a big puddle of fear of late. Still, I keep on keeping on, one step at a time; one foot in front of the other.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  3. Trackback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge 25 — Vulnerable | Impromptu Promptlings
  4. Faraday's Candle
    Feb 03, 2016 @ 20:50:42

    At least you own it! That takes guts.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  5. Walking My Path: Mindful Wanderings in Nature
    Feb 03, 2016 @ 22:33:49

    Wow, Fim! You did some pretty heavy duty prebirth planning! Don’t you sometimes say to your Soul, “wtf? What were you thinking?!” Big challenges from such a young age! You are one STRONG undone vulnerability! 🙂 Impressive!
    Blessings,
    Mary

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • Fimnora Westcaw
      Feb 05, 2016 @ 22:33:31

      Thank you, Mary. And, oh yes, lol, I’m always asking what did you need to know THAT for? Then I get the response, ‘figure it out.’ It makes me feel like “Grasshopper.” Also, one of my favorite quotes is, “Don’t tell me, I’ll tell you,” though it’s usually directed at Mr. Quantum. I’m thinking I’m getting what I’ve requested, and it’s a practice what you preach scenario.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  6. Walking My Path: Mindful Wanderings in Nature
    Feb 06, 2016 @ 11:56:34

    Hahaha Grasshoppa

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  7. JoHanna Massey
    Feb 07, 2016 @ 08:11:33

    “regardless of the overwhelming sense of paralysis, when in the midst of an episode, I actually do push through, after picking myself up off the floor, from the heap I was reduced to, and past my fears, and get on with my life.”

    Trust me Fim, that describes so many currently sharing the planet with you. You just speak openly about it, which demonstrates a very real sense of strength and security and encourages those on the floor to get on up and get on with it.

    Personal and excellent post.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Fimnora Westcaw
      Feb 09, 2016 @ 12:34:57

      Thank you, JoHanna. It’s interesting that (and I understand why now) in the midst of my own paralysis, if someone needed help, I always was able to go to their aid. It actually helped me get out of my own way. Focus was the reason. If I can focus on something else, then I’m not giving all my energy to the agoraphobia.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • JoHanna Massey
        Feb 09, 2016 @ 13:18:01

        Yes, I bet that is true for so many. I know that I am always able to rally myself out of a funk in order to cheer someone else up. And the magic is my funk vanishes in the process. XOX to you dear Fim.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: