Day 14
April 16, 2016
The Nothing is Forgotten Letter: N
NOT WHAT SHE WANTED
Excerpt from Interview:
Q: Have you ever regretted a wish you made? Why/what happened?
A: It’s hard to think of thoughts as wishes. If I want to DO something, is that a wish? I wanted to save Urs’ life, to give her eternity, and then I found out a century or more later she never really wanted that. Yes, she begged me to kill her to take her from the life she was leading, and while that is an integral part of my life, killing, how could I kill her? I’ve killed many, true, but I thought that I was doing her one better than just death.
She was a dance hall girl back in those days and I know that she tolerated abuse from men, from one in particular. I sat and watched her singing and in that she seemed happy. The look on the men’s faces gave her that. But let any of the men touch her and this one, who thought he owned her, treated her badly. I even warned him, if he ever hurt her, I’d kill him. I don’t guess he believed me. But after the show when they were on their way out, he pulled a knife on her and threatened her. Well, I had warned him and I took him, there, in front of Urs and she saw what I did and she asked me to do the same for her. She asked me to kill her… to feed until she was dead too. We kissed. She was so seductive, so beautiful and so I made the decision for her that she would be happy living as an immortal. I remember when she opened her eyes for the first time, seeing through the eyes of the beast, she asked me what was this? I said to her, “What you asked for, an end… a beginning.” And in a strange way she did seem happy. She still danced when we were in bars, and she as full of life as an undead can be.
One night while we were in Dallas, the last place we settled down, she would spend her nights at The Dungeon, which was a club that catered to our kind. She was watching this one woman dance that night. She had a strange look in her eye. But she wouldn’t really tell me what was wrong. I could see the way the girl danced, the way she acted reminded Urs of something from her long ago life. Later that night the dancer went off with this guy from the club who’d also been watching her dance, and Urs knew he wasn’t a good guy and tried to warn her, but she told Urs to mind her own business. The guy ended up dead. It was determined that the deed was done by a female vampire. Everybody thought it might have been Urs. That’s when she told me she never had been happy to be brought across… she said that was all about my desire. She just wanted death. Later, back in The Dungeon, I told her that I was sorry I hadn’t listened to her. But honestly, I don’t regret it. I do not regret having her in my life. Would I do it the same if I had it to do over again? Probably. I’m just sorry she isn’t happy with eternity.
So see, I don’t wish for stuff. I just do it or don’t do it. No thinking therefore I’d say, no wishing involved. Okay, maybe I used to wish I had made sure The Inca was dead so he would leave me alone. Yeah, I would say that was a wish, but that he didn’t let up didn’t matter. I always stayed one step ahead of him, and that he ended up sacrificing himself for the cause our Master held us to, I didn’t regret and if you look at the idea of wishes and regret, no… still no regrets. You probably think, who’s he kidding, but I don’t really care about that either. And you can’t count wishes after the fact as wishes tied to regret. Like I wish that Tracey was still alive. That’s not the kind of wish based on anything that I can do anything about.
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Quantum Hermit 